Chapter 43 - Words of Farewell
By Cille
"...Kaia-chan..."
"...Were you angry with me?..."
"...You would have gone on, Kaia-chan. Just like everyone else..."
The flash of a glass cross, glinting against a stray lock of long silver hair.
The flash of a sword.
The flash of a smile...
All Kaia had now were images, words, fragments of memory. They came back to her without her even needing to summon them. She didn't have the willpower to control them, even if she had wanted to make them stop.
She didn't know how long she had been there, what time or even what day it was, or what was going on beyond the walls of her room. She didn't care. Nothing outside that room was as important as the gaping void in her heart.
And that one awful moment replayed itself over and over in her mind. The gun, the shouting, the man she loved falling in slow motion...
******
In the aftermath of the battle she had gone about her healing duties with a stone face. People needed her, so she did what she had to do. But as soon as the serious cases were taken care of, she left the rest to Kira and the others and withdrew to her room. Only there had she finally allowed herself to unleash the emotions she had been building up and forcing back down for hours.
She had been angry; she had been despondent; she had cried so hard it made her whole body ache. She had ripped the blankets off of her bed and smashed anything she could get her hands on - and then smashed her hands against whatever was left. She had cursed herself for not having seen this coming in time to stop it, and then realized with a sense of bitter irony that she had always seen this coming. She had desperately wished this nightmare would end... and even, in her darker moments, contemplated ways she might end it for herself. But then his face came back to her, and his voice... "You would have gone on, Kaia-chan..."
The others had been sensible enough to leave her alone, aside from one tentative female voice on the other side of the door asking if she was all right and if she needed anything. Kaia hadn't responded, and eventually the well-intentioned interloper had gone away.
And so the time had kept on passing, with nothing for her but grief and rage and the steady parade of memories.
She was sitting on the floor wrapped in a blanket, lost in a morose stupor, when another knock came at the door. This time it was accompanied by a male voice. It might have been Urahara, but she didn't care enough to be sure.
"Kaia... I have something for you. It's... something I think Furion wanted you to have."
She was silent again, lacking the energy to move and only barely bothering to try to fight back a new wave of tears.
"I'll leave it here for you," the voice said quietly after a few moments. There were rustling sounds at the base of the door, and something small and flat and off-white was nudged underneath it. Footsteps faded away, and Kaia was left alone again.
She just looked at the thing for a long time. Some kind of strange bitter apprehension kept her immobilized despite her curiosity about what it might be. Was this his last gift? Was this little scrap of whatever it was all she had left of him? At the moment, it was doing nothing but reminding her that he was gone.
Finally the need to know took over, and she crawled over on her hands and knees and pulled the thing out from under the door. It was a folded-up packet of paper, with the handwritten word "Kaia" barely visible on one side. Trembling, and trying very hard to keep her emotions under control, she unfolded it and saw that it was a letter addressed to her. There was no date written on it, but judging by the worn paper and faded ink, he had been carrying it around for quite some time.
She took a deep breath, tried to steel herself, and began reading.
Kaia-chan,
If you're reading this, it's probably because someone's been rifling through my pockets. And if that's the case, it means I've run out of chances to say all the things that should have been said a long time ago. And so I hope that this letter can come close to making up for my reticence for all these years.
Her breaths came faster, but she forced herself to hold back the tears. So he had intended for these to be his last words to her...
I'll never understand why you've stuck with me for so long and put up with so much on my account. We both know you deserve better than what I was able to give you. I can only hope that you found your feelings rewarding enough to make up for all the grief they caused you, and that my companionship brought you some happiness even if I was a total bungler at being a friend.
I could never bring myself to admit it to your face, of course, but your affections do mean a lot to me. Foolish as they are, they constantly remind me that this world doesn't have to be the cold, detached place our creed would make it out to be. Hell, sometimes they make me wonder if it wouldn't be better to just throw the creed out the window and make the most of the connections we have.
She had to smile a little at that. Apparently the priest had also been a prophet.
You'll have to forgive me for not being that wild and impulsive, though. There are certain things we cannot change, as much as we might selfishly want them to. You know that as well as I do. And if I seemed cruel, I want you to know it was only because it would have been crueler to make you think things could be different from the way they had to be. Even so I apologize, and while I know I can't expect you to forgive me, I hope you can at least understand that I meant you no harm.
She let out a sharp, bitter sigh. He was right, of course, and she had always known it, but that wouldn't stop her from hating that it had to be that way. She really couldn't hate him for trying to do what he knew was right, though, and she suddenly found herself wishing she could tell him that, face to face, just in case he hadn't figured it out himself.
She made herself go back to reading before she could get too worked up over the thought.
Most of all, I want you to keep going. It might be conceited of me, but I can see you falling apart a little without me. Be angry with me if you need to, Lord knows I've given you enough reasons. Do whatever you need to do to get past your grief. But then, move on. There are still people in this world who need you, who deserve your care and attentions much more than I ever did. I know I have no right to ask you for anything, but if I have ever
The words went all blurry. "You bastard..." she whispered through the tears. "You..."
He had to know that she would do anything for him, without him even needing to ask. But that was just like him, never wanting to impose, perhaps afraid of what she would want in exchange. Even now, when he was completely out of her reach.
She composed herself enough to wipe away the tears and continue reading.
I know I have no right to ask you for anything, but if I have ever earned your generosity, this is all I would want. Go on, live the rest of your life, and be as happy as you can.
Take care of yourself, Kaia-chan. With any luck, this faith of mine will pay off and I'll be watching over you as you go.
Yours always,
Furion
Her eyes lingered over those last three words, until her vision was once again clouded. She leaned back against the door and just sat there holding the letter in her lap, letting the tears stream down her face.
So this was his last gift to her. And it was a bittersweet one at best. A lot of what it said she already knew, and had tried with varying success to come to terms with over the years. But what struck her most was simply the fact that he had written it. He had wanted to tell her things, had wanted to let her inside the mind and heart he kept so guarded.
He'd never actually said to her, "I love you." And she would never know if he could have felt the same way about her that she felt about him. But at least she knew that he truly cared for her. He cared enough to write her this letter when he still believed in "no connections, no regrets." And he wanted more than anything for her to be happy, even if he thought he couldn't provide that happiness himself.
She still had a long way to go before this nightmare was over. But at least she knew for sure what she needed to do now. She would stay there and continue to grieve for as long as it took. She would be angry. She would cry. She would scream until she was hoarse. She would sit around feeling numb. And then she would pick her ass up, go back out there, and do her best to help her friends and anyone else who needed her. And somehow, in the days and weeks and months and years that followed, she would find a way to go on without him.
If that was the only thing she could do for him now, she was damn well going to do it.
Recurring characters:
Kaia Namek - namek_kaia
Father John "Furion" Sadar - FurionTassadar
Izuru Kira - Bleach
Kisuke Urahara - Bleach
"...Kaia-chan..."
"...Were you angry with me?..."
"...You would have gone on, Kaia-chan. Just like everyone else..."
The flash of a glass cross, glinting against a stray lock of long silver hair.
The flash of a sword.
The flash of a smile...
All Kaia had now were images, words, fragments of memory. They came back to her without her even needing to summon them. She didn't have the willpower to control them, even if she had wanted to make them stop.
She didn't know how long she had been there, what time or even what day it was, or what was going on beyond the walls of her room. She didn't care. Nothing outside that room was as important as the gaping void in her heart.
And that one awful moment replayed itself over and over in her mind. The gun, the shouting, the man she loved falling in slow motion...
******
In the aftermath of the battle she had gone about her healing duties with a stone face. People needed her, so she did what she had to do. But as soon as the serious cases were taken care of, she left the rest to Kira and the others and withdrew to her room. Only there had she finally allowed herself to unleash the emotions she had been building up and forcing back down for hours.
She had been angry; she had been despondent; she had cried so hard it made her whole body ache. She had ripped the blankets off of her bed and smashed anything she could get her hands on - and then smashed her hands against whatever was left. She had cursed herself for not having seen this coming in time to stop it, and then realized with a sense of bitter irony that she had always seen this coming. She had desperately wished this nightmare would end... and even, in her darker moments, contemplated ways she might end it for herself. But then his face came back to her, and his voice... "You would have gone on, Kaia-chan..."
The others had been sensible enough to leave her alone, aside from one tentative female voice on the other side of the door asking if she was all right and if she needed anything. Kaia hadn't responded, and eventually the well-intentioned interloper had gone away.
And so the time had kept on passing, with nothing for her but grief and rage and the steady parade of memories.
She was sitting on the floor wrapped in a blanket, lost in a morose stupor, when another knock came at the door. This time it was accompanied by a male voice. It might have been Urahara, but she didn't care enough to be sure.
"Kaia... I have something for you. It's... something I think Furion wanted you to have."
She was silent again, lacking the energy to move and only barely bothering to try to fight back a new wave of tears.
"I'll leave it here for you," the voice said quietly after a few moments. There were rustling sounds at the base of the door, and something small and flat and off-white was nudged underneath it. Footsteps faded away, and Kaia was left alone again.
She just looked at the thing for a long time. Some kind of strange bitter apprehension kept her immobilized despite her curiosity about what it might be. Was this his last gift? Was this little scrap of whatever it was all she had left of him? At the moment, it was doing nothing but reminding her that he was gone.
Finally the need to know took over, and she crawled over on her hands and knees and pulled the thing out from under the door. It was a folded-up packet of paper, with the handwritten word "Kaia" barely visible on one side. Trembling, and trying very hard to keep her emotions under control, she unfolded it and saw that it was a letter addressed to her. There was no date written on it, but judging by the worn paper and faded ink, he had been carrying it around for quite some time.
She took a deep breath, tried to steel herself, and began reading.
Kaia-chan,
If you're reading this, it's probably because someone's been rifling through my pockets. And if that's the case, it means I've run out of chances to say all the things that should have been said a long time ago. And so I hope that this letter can come close to making up for my reticence for all these years.
Her breaths came faster, but she forced herself to hold back the tears. So he had intended for these to be his last words to her...
I'll never understand why you've stuck with me for so long and put up with so much on my account. We both know you deserve better than what I was able to give you. I can only hope that you found your feelings rewarding enough to make up for all the grief they caused you, and that my companionship brought you some happiness even if I was a total bungler at being a friend.
I could never bring myself to admit it to your face, of course, but your affections do mean a lot to me. Foolish as they are, they constantly remind me that this world doesn't have to be the cold, detached place our creed would make it out to be. Hell, sometimes they make me wonder if it wouldn't be better to just throw the creed out the window and make the most of the connections we have.
She had to smile a little at that. Apparently the priest had also been a prophet.
You'll have to forgive me for not being that wild and impulsive, though. There are certain things we cannot change, as much as we might selfishly want them to. You know that as well as I do. And if I seemed cruel, I want you to know it was only because it would have been crueler to make you think things could be different from the way they had to be. Even so I apologize, and while I know I can't expect you to forgive me, I hope you can at least understand that I meant you no harm.
She let out a sharp, bitter sigh. He was right, of course, and she had always known it, but that wouldn't stop her from hating that it had to be that way. She really couldn't hate him for trying to do what he knew was right, though, and she suddenly found herself wishing she could tell him that, face to face, just in case he hadn't figured it out himself.
She made herself go back to reading before she could get too worked up over the thought.
Most of all, I want you to keep going. It might be conceited of me, but I can see you falling apart a little without me. Be angry with me if you need to, Lord knows I've given you enough reasons. Do whatever you need to do to get past your grief. But then, move on. There are still people in this world who need you, who deserve your care and attentions much more than I ever did. I know I have no right to ask you for anything, but if I have ever
The words went all blurry. "You bastard..." she whispered through the tears. "You..."
He had to know that she would do anything for him, without him even needing to ask. But that was just like him, never wanting to impose, perhaps afraid of what she would want in exchange. Even now, when he was completely out of her reach.
She composed herself enough to wipe away the tears and continue reading.
I know I have no right to ask you for anything, but if I have ever earned your generosity, this is all I would want. Go on, live the rest of your life, and be as happy as you can.
Take care of yourself, Kaia-chan. With any luck, this faith of mine will pay off and I'll be watching over you as you go.
Yours always,
Furion
Her eyes lingered over those last three words, until her vision was once again clouded. She leaned back against the door and just sat there holding the letter in her lap, letting the tears stream down her face.
So this was his last gift to her. And it was a bittersweet one at best. A lot of what it said she already knew, and had tried with varying success to come to terms with over the years. But what struck her most was simply the fact that he had written it. He had wanted to tell her things, had wanted to let her inside the mind and heart he kept so guarded.
He'd never actually said to her, "I love you." And she would never know if he could have felt the same way about her that she felt about him. But at least she knew that he truly cared for her. He cared enough to write her this letter when he still believed in "no connections, no regrets." And he wanted more than anything for her to be happy, even if he thought he couldn't provide that happiness himself.
She still had a long way to go before this nightmare was over. But at least she knew for sure what she needed to do now. She would stay there and continue to grieve for as long as it took. She would be angry. She would cry. She would scream until she was hoarse. She would sit around feeling numb. And then she would pick her ass up, go back out there, and do her best to help her friends and anyone else who needed her. And somehow, in the days and weeks and months and years that followed, she would find a way to go on without him.
If that was the only thing she could do for him now, she was damn well going to do it.
Recurring characters:
Kaia Namek - namek_kaia
Father John "Furion" Sadar - FurionTassadar
Izuru Kira - Bleach
Kisuke Urahara - Bleach